Before I start that happy fun baby blogging, I wanted to post a very personal heartfelt blog about getting to this pregnancy. I typically DO NOT like sharing personal stuff and being overly transparent, but with the way our world is changing so rapidly and the whole planned parenthood issue,I feel like it is right to share personal experiences, especially if they can help influence just one life! In 2012 we decided to start our family. I was so nervous about the whole process of trying to get pregnant because that is just in my nature....I worry and ponder EVERYTHING! To my surprise we became pregnant almost immediately and carried Dawson Job to term beautifully. We have always joked about how easily the women in our family become pregnant and apparently I got those genetics. Once Dawson hit 12 months I really started thinking about having another baby. I know I know he was a tough infant....we are crazy... all of those thoughts crossed our minds, but the thought have him having a sibling close in age was a wonderful thing! As a twin I enjoyed having someone my age always by my side, and I wanted that for Dawson. It took some warming up for Brent, but as we prayed we discussed how if God didn't want our children that close He wouldn't allow us to become pregnant quickly. ( I laugh because we see how quickly Dawson was conceived) I said, ok well we can just start trying once he turns a year old and like most people it will probably take us 3 or 4 months, then they will be about 2 years apart...my perfect plan!
Clearly you can see that my plan did not happen! We tried and I got frustrated...I mean Dawson was so easy to concieve! I prayed, begged God to let my plan work....and He didn't. I started to pray a little differently and be more ok with the timing not working out and decided to ease up a little and just enjoy life and enjoy my precious little boy. Well in February I felt "off". Pregnancy crossed my mind, but then I just kind of brushed it off. After looking at my calendar I decided to test. To my surprise and great joy there were two pink lines! I was so shocked I had to take another...and there they were again! Finally, we were pregnant! Shortly our dreams came crashing down with an early miscarriage. By time I made it in to see the doctor my blood levels were so low. I think what was most difficult is the way early miscarriages are treated. Because you never see a baby, a heartbeat, anything on an ultrasound they just kind of brush it off and say it happens try again. The value of life is nothing to many people, but to us we lost a child and were hurting. People need to know that was a soul we lost...a little baby who was our child. With the help of family and friends I pushed through fairly quickly and was ok relatively fast. My hormones had leveled and everything was back to normal so we decided to keep trying. This time we decided to stay relaxed and I decided not to be overboard in making it a job, but rather if it happened it happened. Well April rolls around and I had the "feeling" again. I didn't want to test....but I did want to test... (Honestly, I wasn't excited...I was terrified) I didn't want to see a positive and lose another, but I did want to know and be joyful if I was pregnant. Well Dawson and I popped into the store to buy some tests. Once again to my shock....2 pink lines! Even though I saw it with my eyes, my gut told me something was up. I didn't feel like this was a healthy pregnancy...I just had this gut wrenching feeling. I called to set up my appointment and dreaded the wait. Soon my back started hurting badly and I just didnt feel good. I knew in my heart what was happening and I couldn't take it. I called Brent and he tried to console me but I was angry, sad, wanted to give up! Well my hormone levels were so low and we did miscarry again. Why in the world would God allow this again knowing how much I want to raise another child....knowing how much I love children and my desire is to raise them in Him. After my little pity party and a good encouraging from some close friends and family I started to cry, pray, read, cry some more and just search for my lesson. I struggled with going to see a doctor becuase I didn't want to play God, but I also wanted to make sure I was healthy and could carry another child. After talking it over, we made an appt with our doctor in May and discussed what the problem could be. We ran bloodwork etc...all fine. She decided we would set up some scans, but they couldn't be done until June and that we would prevent becoming pregnant until after the scans. During this waiting period I begged for God to show me what He wanted me to learn. I sat reading and praying during many of Dawson's naps. One day the story of Hannah came to me....I started reading about how she desired a child and gave it completely over to God. I sat there so convicted. I was trying so hard to make MY plan work that I had pretty much not thought about God's plan. What if we are supposed to adopt....what if our sole focus should be Dawson...what if we are supposed to wait? That day I can truly say I gave it all over to God....I was done trying and I was at peace with one child....adopting....or simply waiting. It was a feeling I can't describe. I was sad, but at peace and had my joy back. Well June rolled around and I can say it was an awesome care free month not trying! We enjoyed Dawsons birthday, had a great anniversary date night , went to the beach etc....fun no stress! As I looked at my calendar I knew I should be having my scans soon but my dates were off....I mean like uh oh...I'm late! I mean we didnt try...we tried NOT to get pregnant. I refused to test of fear of another miscarriage. Finally, Brent said you have to because you can't have those tests if you are. We were both shocked to see 2 pink lines show up! We giggled, cried, had some fear repeat. The past 12 weeks have truly tested my faith. I have been so worried about this baby. All bloodwork is perfect, ultrasounds great, heart rate great. I am beyong grateful and blessed.
I share all of this to show the value of life....even the smallest life. God said he knew us in our mothers womb BEFORE we were even formed. After the grief of miscarriage, I am so sickened and saddened about how people can just act as if it is just a "fetus". I can promise you....it did not "feel" like just a "fetus" that I lost. Those were my children. Miscarriages aren't talked about alot and I think becuase of the view of the age of the baby alot of women are scared to show their grief or say they lost a baby...becuase to many people, we didn't , we just lost some tissue growing inside. I was definitely nervous to tell people about ours because I really felt that only one doctor even validated my miscarriages as an actual baby. That was so sad to me that out of a whole office only one person sympathized with our losses. The mindset of our society is so distorted and saddens me. I hope and pray that we can see a difference made in the view of life. As a mother, I have to believe that even the most desperate of women who choose to abort still have that feeling that I had....that loss...that grief. I am angry that women make that decision, but also we have to have a heart for them...many of them are so uninformed, hurting, and lost and planned parenthood shows them this "easy out". In reality, I have to believe that for most of these women there was nothing easy about giving up the life of their child. I pray that we can make a change and see planned parenthood crash. I would love to see that in my lifetime. It has been so hard to me to see all of this during my first trimester and for the most part I try to avoid it, but today I just had to share my feelings and why this hits home even more for me now. I think God definietly allowed me to learn compassion from this experience. He allowed me to feel the hurt of loss....the fear of not concieving again.....and the total trust and reliance on Him to create life within me. After seein how miraculous it truly is to concieve and carry to term my heart truly aches at the lie planned parenthood and other organizations are spreading. It is a MIRACLE...each little life was perfectly formed not by accident and yet those lives are being treated as nothing more than trash. I don't need to go into the science of a baby's development to prove my point, but I just thought that sharing my story and the loss of life of a little one could maybe show one person how valuable each little life and pregnancy truly is!!
Thanks for sharing! This is beautifully written!
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